More is Less?

Oh, dear. I have all but abandoned poor Holtywood. I'm not really sure what has been going on the past couple months. I guess I've turned into one of those moms that make me cringe. I'm not working a ton lately, just momming it up and running all over town making kitchen remodel selections. Also, hosted some fantastic Midwestern relatives at our house last month. That's it! I think the more time you have on your hands the less efficient you are. * sigh *

But hey, I've got this for you:

Be back soon to bore you to tears! Stay tuned!

Chatter: Nailed it

Last night while we were wrapping a birthday gift . . . .

Patrick: Look Mom! I've got a coke nail! *holds up fingernail with tape on the tip* 

Me: What?! Where did you hear that?

Patrick: Remember when Aunt Liz was here at Christmas? I heard her talking to you about how Lucy's pinky looked like a coke nail. 

Me: Do NOT say that at school.

THANKS, AUNT LIZ.

Richard Blow and Puking Mama

I've been meaning to post both of these pieces of awesomeness for quite some time now, but, you know, things got in the way. Dumb things like making (some) money and (kinda) running a household and (barely) keeping Patrick's visits to the principal's office to a minimum. 

The first is something that I ran across last summer when I was researching pitch-worthy media outlets. Dude, I would change my name too.

For those of you with your minds not in the gutter, "Dick" is a nickname for "Richard." Get it now? Bahahaha!

And this is a sketch Patrick made me when Lucy was about a year old, right around the time it must have been obvious to him that my PTSD from my barf-filled second pregnancy and second go-around with PPD was finally subsiding. "Mom, do you know why your mouth is open in this picture? Because you are throwing up. But I made the sky purple because I know that's your favorite color!"

"P"=Patrick, "L"=Lucy in my tummy, yellow thing=garbage can, my mouth open=barfing

2012: Out with a wimper

So, Holidays 2012 . . . . those went by fast! Ours were comprised of a flurry of activity, a smattering of familial conflict, a healthy dose of stress and a sackful of material possession-induced joy. How were yours?

I think I have photos of the kids on Christmas morning. I think. I don't know—I'm still catching up. What I do have is our Christmas card:

I definitely wanted the 2012 Summary to be snarkier, but I was on deadline with this mo-fo and just had to vomit up some words into the Tiny Prints text field and expedite the goddamn print order. I know, I know, this card was not done in the jolly holiday spirit that it should have been. But honestly, isn't striving to meet self-imposed, unattainable, image-related goals what the holidays are truly about for most modern women? I think so.

Back to the card. We took the cover photo on a freezing cold Friday afternoon. The kids look happy, right? Everything is perfect, right? No. I was annoyed with Matt about using what I STILL MAINTAIN TO BE the wrong camera lens. Matt was mad at me about waiting until the last minute to get this done. Lucy had just been woken up from a late nap and was in a nasty mood. And Patrick had dog shit on his shoes. ("Just ignore it, Honey. We've got to take this picture before the sun goes down!")

Yep. Like I said, picture perfect.

Hoping your holidays were equally as perfect and that 2013 is even better!

PaddyTube: Lucy loves The Chicks!

Christmas is less than two weeks away. Shizz . . . . lately I have much to get done during the days that I stay home, so sometimes I put on some music and Lucy rocks it out. The Dixie Chicks can occupy her for a solid 10 minutes, and for that I am grateful! Observe the bouncing curls in the video below:

Chatter: Religion edition

Rabidly religious kids say the most awesome stuff!

Heard these gems over the past couple months while helping out in Patrick's class: 

#1) Said in accusing tone to person in witch costume: "Witches don't go to church!"  *spins on heel and exits room* 

#2) "We used to have three fish but Jesus died, so now we just have Mary and Joseph."

And this one is stolen from my teacher friend: 

#3) "Miss Owen! We put Baby God in the basket this weekend! The holidays are coming!"

In reference to #1, here is a photo of Patrick during the Halloween Parade. I'm only more than a month late! NO BIG DEAL. 

Chatter: Double dose

Yesterday my friend Jen saved me. Not spiritually—Ha! If only you knew how much my soul needs to be saved!—but rather professionally.

I've been buried by a flood of unexpected work all week, staying up into the wee hours of the morning every day just to manage it all. Anyway, yesterday Patrick got off school early (damn public school half-days) and had been entertaining Lucy all afternoon while I squeezed in more work. By 3 o'clock he was over it. And then Jen offered to take him for a couple of hours to play with her kiddos.

THANK YOU, SAINT JEN! 

I got my work done, Lucy played happily with crayons and scrap paper and Patrick got some bonding time with his BFF. Win. Win. Win.

Upon Patrick's return, he was full of energy and chattering away. Maybe I was just totally slap-happy from my sleepless week, but a couple of things he said within the first 10 minutes of his return sent me into ugly, snorting giggles. 

(1)
Patrick: Get away, dogs!
Me: What's the problem, man?
Patrick: They keep sniffing my legs! *sigh* I bet they smell Jen, Leif and Kess on me.
(Hey Jen, hate to break it to you, but apparently you and your children smell like dog!)


(2)
Me: So, I never asked you about school today, Paddy. How was it?
Patrick: Oh, it was good.
Me: Did you write in your journal in the morning?
Patrick: Yep. Oh, and guess what? Someone journaled about pee and poop!
Me: You're kidding. That is so gross!
Patrick: I know! Mr. Cook was noo-ooot impressed!

Product of his environment? Or just awesome?

Yesterday the kindergartners rocked the vote in their class. They voted on colors, Patrick told me. Pink, red, purple, green and orange were the candidates, and red won. Is this an indicator of how the country will vote today? Maybe so. But then I saw Patrick's political artwork.

Patrick's prediction for Election Day 2012

You'll see that the elephant is saying "Oh, no!" as the donkey attacks it with claws and lasers. I swear that we've never even mentioned the party mascots to Patrick. I SWEAR!

Happy Election Day, everyone! 

There is ALWAYS time for dark humor!

Things have been crazy. CRAZY. Trying to get a new fundraiser off the ground at work while trying to keep things in-tact at home is going to be the end of me. *whine, whine, whine* I know, I know. I'll shut up.

But . . . . in spite of the fact that I have no time to be blogging right now, I've taken a moment away from my preparations for tomorrow's Hellishly Hectic Holty Halloween to share something amusing with you all. I thought this note sent home with Patrick today was pretty awesome:

You gotta love a teacher who is secure enough in his role as daily nurturer of your child to make jokes about kindergartner beheadings! It just struck me as particularly funny today, since I've had the urge to behead anyone who gets in my way recently.

I'll try to post some photos of the kids-in-costume sometime before 2013. Patrick is going as a ghost—thank you IKEA curtains! If it's cold tomorrow, then Lucy will be wearing a cozy hand-me-down monkey costume. If it's warm, she'll be Minnie Mouse with Hantavirus.*

Happy Halloween!

*Sorry, that was in poor taste. I know that Hantavirus is no laughing matter. But Lu's got one hell of a runny nose this week, so it kind of works, right? No? You say no, huh? Come on...just let it sit with you for a minute. Can you imagine sweet, little Minnie Mouse being the carrier of a deadly disease? Still no? Fine. Not funny. BUT I'M BETTING THAT THERE IS ONE KINDERGARTEN TEACHER OUT THERE WHO WOULD APPRECIATE THAT JOKE. (Two, if I count my pal Betsy.)**

**In the words of my cousin Daniel, "I'll be in hell if you need me." 

Picking . . . out pumpkins!

Hi there. Fall is in the air here in the S - L - C, and this little family is trying to take it all in on the weekends.

Pumpkin-patching (new verb!) on Saturday proved to be a bonding experience for Lucy and me.

It was a scratch, not a pick. . . just to be clear.

The less gross aspect of the pumpkin patch was Patrick hanging out with his pal Xander. These two are pretty cute together, I must say.

Lucy got in the mix a little bit . . .

. . . but she ultimately just wanted to stick close to Mama and Dada. She's our little homegirl!

Dears in the headlights

This being both a fake-out working mom AND fake-out SAHM thing is seriously going to run my ass into the ground soon. Yikes! Anyhoo, before I pass out for the night, I have to post the kiddos' school photos. Each one is equally darling and hilarious in its own way.

The smile is not genuine, but his cute stance is!

It's hard to express the glory of kindergarten life into a genuine, light-up-your-face smile when some dude hopped up on 5-Hour Energy shots is acting like he's your BFF. I totally get it, Sweet Paddy. This is not his real smile, but it's adorably awkward and understandable. He is trying so hard to do what he's told—such a good kid. But what really gets me is the adorable way he's standing with his hands so casually in the pockets of his zip-off-at-the-knee adventure pants! (ATTN: Moms! Every little boy should own a pair of these awesome pants.)

Lucy's first professional photo: Toddler roadkill

The preschool's photographer went with a Lightning McQueen theme this time. This is after an Elmo/Big Bird theme last spring. *sigh* Why must there be a theme? WHY?! Anyway, there were Cars props available, which I declined (because I'm a jerk like that), but the background was not optional, which explains why it looks like Lucy is standing in the middle of the highway. And that look on her face makes her look like a literal "deer in the headlights". It's just too perfect/awful. Though I must say that this photo captures her current mega-cautious personality nicely. Babycakes is a little wary of strangers right now, as in, she'll bury her head into my shoulder and pretend you're not there. After 10 minutes of you annoying her with your presence, maaaaaaybe she'll cast a suspicious sideways glance your way while you're not looking, but I wouldn't count on it.

Also, another little Lu update for you: She is trying so very hard to talk! Our sweet 17-month-old has the basics down: Mama, Dada, Patrick, Gaga, Papa, Grandma, Nana, baby, puppy, apple, ball and . . . wait for it . . . shoes. Oh yes, this girl is definitely my offspring, regardless of the people who say, "Wow! I mean, she just doesn't look a think like you! Are you sure she's yours?" on a near-daily basis. If she is loving the footwear, then I can claim her, right?

Kinder Chaos

Phew. The last three weeks have been tough. Why, you ask? Because the flu hit our house like a tornado? Because my sassy Southern Aunt was the worst house guest ever? (Kidding! I totally love you, Laura!) Because Mitt's campaign is imploding? (Kidding! I totally don't love you, Mittens!) Nope.

Kindergarten.

Not pleased.

A bit scared, but no tears, thank god. That would have been my undoing.

Ooooo, boy. Mr. Patrick has been none too pleased with his new school. I tried to make the first day special by taking him for ANY TREAT HE WANTED right after I picked him up, and that was somewhat helpful. (Ice cream makes everything better, right?!) But on the second day, we drove by the school building after-hours and I said, "Hey, wave to your school!" and he said in a sarcastic, sing-songy voice, "Hi, new school. I hate youuuuu." And the subsequent days were equally tough. Not wanting to go. Hanging on to my leg at drop-off. Telling me after school that he had no friends. Heartbreaking stuff!

We were worried, but not all that surprised. He's always been reticent to dive into new things, and this experience was proving no different. But unlike riding the merry-go-round or learning to swim, this was a place that he was going to have to go every single day. Unless, of course, I home-schooled him, which, I won't lie, quickly flashed through my mind as a way to ease his discomfort. Insane, I know, but I was just thinking of quick fixes for him, however irrational they may have been.

But since homeschooling was not an option, we piled on the encouragement. And bribery. Lots of bribery. Chocolate milk for breakfast. Park outings after school. End-of-week gifts. A special sleepover with the grandparents. Encouraging notes from Gaga. Lots of extra hugs and high fives.

And, lo and behold, in the past week he has started to actually like school. I think our actions helped a bit, but the biggest helper was time. Just getting familiar with the new routine is his biggest motivator and source of comfort. Knowing what to expect is essential for him. We're so relieved that he is making friends, doing his homework and has even gotten a couple of special "good behavior" slips. And–BONUS–he's sleeping really well. The first couple of weeks, as his pediatrician warned us, he was absolutely exhausted at the end of the day. Exhibit A shows him sleeping wedged between the couch and wall on the hardwood floor. I guess he had been waiting for me to walk into the living room so that he could jump out and scare me.

Exhibit A (I can't get over how long his legs have gotten!)

So, things are good now! Very good! I'm glad that Patrick is liking it, because this school is pretty awesome. It has some of the highest test scores in the state, is newly remodeled and seismically sound, is in a safe nearby neighborhood, employs a great mix of veteran and new teachers and a seemingly agreeable administration. And most noticeably to me, it has super-involved, super-perky parents at its PTA helm! We went to the Back-to-School Open House about an hour after it started and nearly all the volunteer opportunities were gone. It's crazy! I mean, it's great and amazing and wonderful, but it's just foreign to me that that many parents have so much time to head up so many activities–and actually are willing to! I have friends who teach at other Salt Lake City elementary schools where there is almost no parental involvement. Like, only a couple of parents even bother going to the Parent-Teacher Conferences. Maybe we should send them some of our overzealous parents. Geez.

So, the school is great. But allow me to be slightly snarky for a moment about some of the moms I have encountered. I guess that first you should know that this school is in a somewhat posh neighborhood. Don't be fooled, The Holtys are not posh. We are on the verrrrry outskirts of its boundary, basically the ghetto, in comparison. I would say that 80% of this school's mothers stay at home full-time. They are young. They are pretty. They are rich. They have many adorable children. They are wearing Lululemon. Everyday I am fascinated by what I see and hear at pick-up. Actual snippets of conversation:

"You know, this 2nd-story-remodel is just sucking the life out of me!"

 ". . . picked it up at the Nordstrom sale . . . "

"We took all six kids to Greece this summer. We're crazy, riiight?!"

"I need to stop volunteering for things. The Junior League is just so time-intensive."

". . . he just ordered an M-Class, but it's not available until October."

Not lying. All these things were overheard in a span of 10 minutes being said by different women. It's a pretty crazy scene there. Tory Burch sandals. Range Rovers. $700 strollers. SoYoung backpacks. And then there is me: Target shoes. CR-V. Used stroller from KSL Classifieds. A Keen backpack I bought out of some guy's garage. I need to stop comparing and judging, I suppose. Though I have to say, it's pretty entertaining!

Anyway, that is the kindergarten saga. More than you ever wanted to know, I'm sure! Happy fall, y'all!

Chatter: Thinking of others

Patrick: When is Aunt Laura going to cooooooome tooooooo ouuuuuur hoooooouse?

Me: Tomorrow night. She is staying with us starting tomorrow night.

Patrick: Yesssss! *pumps fist*

Me: And after we pick you up from school on Friday afternoon we can take her to do something fun! What do you think we should do?

Patrick: Hmmmmm. Well, maybe not something with a whole lot of walking, because I remember that she has that invisible leg and all.

Me: You mean the artificial leg?

Patrick: Oh yeah, that's what I meant.

PaddyTube: Secret Agent Cousins

In addition to hanging with many awesome cousins in Montana, Patrick was able to meet some equally awesome cousins for the very first time this summer. All three being older, I thought that maybe they wouldn't click, but I was soooo wrong. Mara, Riva and Connor doted on Patrick so much that he started to think he was royalty! Sir Patrick cried when he had to say goodbye. Lucky for us, we will always have this amazing video to laugh at. Airport delays have never been so much fun!

Patrick enveloped by Cousin Love!

Meet Me in Montana

Last month we spent a week in Northern Montana with our extended family, and I have to say it was one of the most relaxing and wonderful vacations I've taken. We rented a secluded, private lakeside estate that consisted of enough houses for all 32(!) of us to spread out in, as well as a central, rustic old main lodge that sat all of us for dinner, and became the official Oh Hell-playing spot. The grounds included a huge field with baseball diamond where we played nightly kickball and Red Rover games, a basketball and tennis court, a nicely manicured croquet spot under the pines and our own private dock complete with kayaks, rowboats and a diving board. We also had an adorable black bear on the premises.

Some photos of our adventure are below. If you think there are too many, just be grateful that I didn't do a slideshow of all 200+ photos set to Marie Osmond's romantic country ballad "Meet Me in Montana", because I was thiiiiis close to putting that together. I mean, nothing says "romance" like 32 drunk people playing kickball.

Swan Lake, MT

P in front of the Main Lodge.

This is a view of the dock where we all spent 70% of our time, especially the kids.

Matt and P take a kayak tour on the Lake.

Lu and me.

Aunt Carol convinced me to take the plunge.

Freezing cold - but amazingly fun!

Lucy with Grandma.

Grandma and Papa played in the water with Patrick all damn week. Very good sports!

My sweet grandma and Matt going down to the water.

Paddy and his water bombs - he couldn't get enough.

Holty Time!

Pile on Uncle Matt Time!

Feldman Nation

Papa and P fishing off the dock at dusk.

All the teens. Up to no good? Nah, they were angels. For reals!

Lu gets frizzy hair in the humidity, just like her mama.

Grandma and Papa helping Lu figure out this "walking" concept.

"Red Rover, Red Rover, send Patrick right over!"

Red Rover kid collision!

"Red Rover, Red Rover, send everybody right over!"

Oh, the foam super soakers were indestructible! Never again will I buy a plastic squirt gun that breaks in five minutes.

 

I had the kids help me make medals for everyone in honor of the London Olympics that were going on during our trip, and somehow I totally spaced making one for my Cousin Hannah. My medal? Biggest Asshole.

Sunset through the trees. So beautiful.

  

The kids couldn't get enough of the water. We had to pull them away at the end of the day.

The dock at sunset - heaven on earth.

Glow party on the last night!

Matt and I agree that we have to get back there someday soon. It was so great to have such a beautiful place all to ourselves. We were actually able to "check-out" of the day-to-day responsibilities and truly relax in some amazingly beautiful country. Only 285 days until next summer!

(My cousin took many of these photos, including this stunning shot. Daniel Feldman is mad talented, y'all!)